Cease and Desist

The best part of the GW Hatchet (my undergrad paper) are the weekly crime logs, known for their meticulous reporting of petty incidents and superfluous usage of the phrase "cease and desist."

From this week's log:

Disorderly Conduct

3/25 - Townhouse Row Unit H - 6:30 p.m. - case closed UPD officers responded to a report of water balloons being thrown out of a window of the townhouse. The individuals living in the building reported that they were celebrating a birthday and throwing water balloons at each other. The residents were ordered to cease and desist from throwing any more water balloons. Referred to Student Judicial Services.

It's a wonder that I made it through four years at a place like that unscathed.

Um, thanks for the advice, Sharon

When not uncrossing her legs for the camera, Sharon Stone works hard to advocate the benefits of oral sex:

She explains, "I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on
clothes, showing her abdomen. "Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' "Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.' "Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. "If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

Right. There are so many disturbing parts to this story. First, why is Sharon Stone watching young girls trying on clothing? And then she waits until the mom ducks out for a bit to ambush the girl with a "two-minute conversation about sex." Didn't Michael Jackson go to trial for less than that? And what exactly are these situations "where you cannot get out of sex"? I'll be sure to keep Ms. Stone's advice next time I'm accosted by a rapist: "Um, actually I'd rather not go "all the way." No offense, of course. Can I offer you a blow job? It's a lot safer..."

I cut out the part about her always carrying condoms to hand out to teenagers on the street. Just doing her part to make sex a little safer for all.

Thanks Sharon

Love Muffins

I sometimes like to read through my spam just to see how those Ivory Coast cocoa merchants are doing. Today, among the usual offers for penile pumps, diet pills, and international business opportunities, I came across this exciting recipe for something called "Love Muffins." According to the e-mail, "enthusiastic lovers" swear by them and they are very popular in France, Italy, and parts of Spain (only parts, mind you). In fact, they are so popular in these three sexy countries that they are allegedly considered "standard fare" in some cafes and restaurants. It struck me as odd that having actually lived in Italy this is the first that I've heard of these remarkable muffins, but hey, you never know...

I haven't actually tried them, but I couldn't resist sharing:

Love Muffin Recipe

Enthusiastic lovers swear they've discovered the secret to a wild and wonderful
sex life - eating a delicious muffin that pumps up passion to incredible levels! This miracle love muffin contains five powerful aphrodisiacs that are claimed to rev up romance, enthusiasts say. These muffins work on both men and women - and they are inexpensive, easy to make, and contain ingrediants available everywhere. No one knows exactly where this recipe game from. These sweet, spicy muffins are popular in France, Italy, and parts of Spain. They are so popular that they are standard fare in some cafes and restaurants. These muffins contain ginseng, a root widely used in Asia to increase sexual appetite and promote stamina. They also contain cinnamon and ginger, which have long been thought to have aphrodisical properties. Chocolate and honey, two of the most abudant ingrediants in the muffins, are also claimed to affect the sex drive.


Love Muffins
1 3/4 cups all purpose flour
2 Tablespoons baking powder
1 teaspoon ginger
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Contents of 15 ginseng powder capsules
2 ounces semisweet chocolate or 1/3 cup chocolate chips
1/2 stick butter
1/3 cup honey
1 cup milk
2 egg whites slightly beaten
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
Mix together flour, baking powder, spices, and ginseng powder in a big bowl.
Slowly melt chocolate and butter together in the microwave or on the stove top. Mix until smooth.
Add melted chocolate and butter to the dry ingrediants. Stir in the honey, milk, and egg whites.
Stir just enough to blend, and pour into greased or non stick muffin tins.
Bake at 400 degress for 20-25 minutes, until muffins are brown.
Let the muffins cool for a few minutes before removing them from the pan.
Love Muffins can be served warm with butter - or cold with jelly or jam at breakfast.

The password is...

I understand the need for verification words on forums such as Craigslist or even this here blog. What I don't understand are verification words that are soooo cryptic that no human could possibly decipher them. For example:

What the hell is this supposed to be? This is the 5-letter verification "word" that I was given when trying to post a for sale ad on craigslist for my old tv (40 bucks, sony 19", great cond., e-mail if interested). Save for a possible "o," there are no letters in that! I thought, maybe I have to identify the image (Perplex City is really doing a number on me--I see puzzles everywhere now). It looks kind of like an eye, so I tried eye, eyes, ocular, vision...finally, I clicked the "hear word spoken" link and was taken to a quicktime site that said the following:

T as in terrible

E as in elephant

R as in rat

R as in rat

Y as in yellow

That's right kids...TERRY. Terry!?! Scroll up and look at the picture again.

Do you see "Terry"? Right. They've made it so unintelligible that you are actually required to be an internet bot to figure it out.

Bee Season

In a former (shorter, younger, nerdier) life, I was a spelling bee champion in the great state of New Jersey. That's why I was excited to hear about the DC Bee, the "Spelling Bee for Champions."

Spell for fun! Spell for glory! Spell for drinks! Spell rhododendron!

The best and worst spellers compete for the Grand Prize to be awarded on June
5th: A killer trophy, cold hard cash, bragging rights, and prizes from DC's
finest bars, restaurants and boutiques!

Every other Monday at the Warehouse Theater: compete for bar tabs courtesy of
the Warehouse and a spot in the Final on June 5th!Preliminaries are March
27,
April 10, April 24, May 8, May 22

The Final: JUNE 5th w/ bands TBASign up 7:30 - 8:30Spell/Cheer/Heckle
8:30

A spelling bee for grown-up nerds!

Rubbish

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Nandita's scribbles

Just came across a cached entry (thanks Google) of my first blog. As some of you know, I had a blog for over a year back in my freshman/sophomore year of college that was actually quite popular. The hosting company, scribbles.nu, randomly went down one day and erased all our posts. Moe and I were both on it and lost hundreds of entries. It soured me on the whole blogging idea for a few years until last week when I decided to give it another shot. The following, friends, are a few snippets of my first blog "Nandita's Scribbles."

7/5/02
My coworker Greg just got back from a couple days in Boston. He took a
bus back home from there and sat next to a cowboy for a good portion of it. A
real live Cowboy, or so Greg claims. Boots, blue jeans, hat, huge belt
buckle, drawl and all...He didn't get his name, but is certain it was Hoss.
Apparently, he trained horses in Colorado but was leaving the "horse racket."
Note to self: Not much money in horses. Hoss was moving East where all the REAL MONEY is...apparently, he's going to be a "laborer." This info all comes from Greg who isn't the sharpest tack in little plastic tack container. He's reading
over my shoulder and protesting...He claims that he is "not a not
sharp tack."

7/7/02

There was this weird thing that happened the second night I was in Puerto Rico. We were leaving to go to my grandmother's for dinner when we saw all these cop cars in front of our apartment...it's a really nice area with all the best hotels so it was weird and I looked and saw a dead man laying on the ground with blood oozing out of his head. The cops covered him with a sheet and I found out in the paper the next day that the dead guy had been a Colombian man that lived in the area. Apparently he got into an argument with someone over drugs and the other guy shot him in the face. It was so unreal though; straight out of Law and Order...you know the beginning with the "tun tun" music and the cops all standing in a circle over a bashed and raped prostitute? That's what it looked like. The unsettling part is that when we returned a couple hours later...it was all gone and completely clean. Where moments earlier this guy's life had seeped and stained the concrete there was nothing but cars and tourists passing by. It was so weird.

10/17/03

Last week I went to Tower and bought a CD and a Spanish Elle...and what a bitch it was to pay for that! This is an actual exchange:

Tower lady: What are 3 Es?

Me: Euros. It's Spanish Elle.

Tower lady: Yeah, I know. (as she typed in "momento" because it said it on the cover)

Me: No, it's Elle, momento is just a word on the cover. It's Spanish Elle.

Tower lady looks at me and then looks at Tower man

Tower lady: I can't scan this!

Tower man: Just look it up by country. What is that, French?

Me: No, it's Spanish.

Tower man: Spanish, right. Ok, so that's...Portugal. Type in Portugal.

Me: No. Spain. It's Spanish Elle from Spain. Right peninsula...wrong country.

Google me this...

I finally popped my GMail Chat cherry yesterday. It was kind of surprising because I didn't know that a) this feature existed and b) I was logged into it. A message window just kind of popped up on my screen out of nowhere and made me feel a little violated...a little watched. And the fact that it recorded our conversation certainly did little to soothe my uneasy feelings about Google and my undefined right to privacy.

I was really disappointed with the program. It's pretty crappy. I kept thinking about it yesterday...on my walk home, during dinner, while I was brushing my teeth before bed. (yeah, I don't have much going on these days.) Seriously though, it's like something written by an awkward, yet brainy 17-year-old in a high school computer programming class in Suffern, NY. I'm usually so impressed with Google and its multifarious features, but this...this is bad. I know it's a beta release, but still...

The one cool feature are the rotating emoticons. In fact, they almost redeem the entire crappy program. We discovered them by accident and then spent a full 16 minutes (I know this because of the creepy recording feature) trying out different combinations just to see what they would do. I'm usually really anti-emoticon, but in this forum they're just fun.

My friend is easily distracted; I'm easily amused.

Cleptodrunk I

It's not uncommon, on the Sunday or Saturday morning after a particularly bacchanalian evening, for me to find strange objects in my purse. Those of you who know me, know that I'm rather fond of large, sack-like purses, which are perfect for concealing stolen items from bars, lounges, and restaurants. My friends are used to receiving text messages around noon the next day that say things like "why is there a pint glass in my purse?" or "Um...where did these spoons come from?" So I decided that just to keep track, I'm going to jot down what I bring home when I have a few too many...

*If any of these objects belong to you, please let me know and I'll see that they are returned. -management

• A plaid gray wool men's Lord&Taylor scarf
• A red, frosted-glass candleholder (which I believe is from Play on Conn. Ave)
• A ticket stub from Friday's Wizards game against Dallas: Section 225, Row H, Seat 6 (price: $16.65)

The stuff Denzel Washington movies also starring Mekhi Phifer are made of

Last night I spent an agonizing half hour switching back and forth between the last 12 minutes plus OT of the GW game on CBS, and a edited--albeit still pretty freaky*--version of the movie Secretary on Oxygen. It was probably 30 of the most uncomfortable minutes I've ever spent in my life.

Some background: I'm not very good at waiting for things. I'm impatient as a five-year-old and I get very, very uncomfortable. Anxious, even. I hold my breath. I bite my nails. I make weird, squinty expressions. The only way I have of coping with these situations is to distract myself. So, for example, if I'm waiting for an e-mail that just won't come, I'll shut down Outlook, leave the office, and go for a walk. If timed properly, upon my return, I open Outlook and voila! like magic, the e-mail will be there. At restaurants I go to the bathroom or light up a cigarette. I make odd little deals with myself like, "by the time I finish this cigarette, the food will be here." I even have a hard time watching Law & Order when they opt to go to trial. "Last" is probably my favorite button on the remote control.

So you can see why last night's ping-ponging leadchanges were unbearable--even for someone like me who usually doesn't give a damn about basketball. I just wanted the game to end. I just wanted to know the final score and be done with it. I didn't even care that much if we won or not. I just. Wanted. To know.

So to distract myself, to make the time go by quickly, to settle my stomach...I chose to watch Maggie Gyllenhaal cut herself and get spanked by a still-sexy-in-a-weird-way James Spader. Why? I don't know. It was bad, though. I couldn't decide which was harder to watch: Lee burns inner thigh with scalding teapot, Elliot goes 1 for 2 at the line, Lee stabs thigh with knitting needle, UNC drains a three, and on and on and on...

But in the end we won, and now we face Duke and we probably won't win, but if we do...damn...

*by "freaky" I mean both weird and the way Ludacris might use it in a lyric

The Annapolitan

4 oz lemonade
4 oz iced tea
2 jiggers of Russian vodka (because I like the word "jigger")

Shake and serve over ice in a highball glass. Garnish with one maraschino cherry (because, again, I like the word "maraschino" so damn much. So does Tom Lux.)

This is the drink that I created for my friend Anne last summer. Like her, it's one part innocent, one part Russian, and a whole lotta classy. With a cherry on top. Starts off sweet, but surprises. Just like the conservative girl in the skirt who can still out-whistle half the doormen in New York City...

She's quite the writer, too.

Elderberry

Friends and loved ones (because I really only love some of my friends) have expressed concern that a blog that focuses solely on BlackBerrys and Dell desktops is destined to have a short or, at the very least, uninteresting life. I'd like to take a moment to address these concerns.

First, despite the title, my first post actually wasn't supposed to be about wireless handheld devices or the country's most popular desktop computer brand -- it was about the people that use them. If you didn't get that, then you probably won't get anything I write and should explore another site (pretty safe to say you're also one of the aforementioned friends that I don't love).

Second, for those of you who keep asking me "well then, what's this blog about?" I just want you to know that I can't answer that. Much like Benjamin Disraeli (wiki him if you don't know him because he will come up again later), I don't like definitions. I find them limiting. And, ok, I didn't really think this through. I just came up with what (I think) is a clever title and went with it. Maybe I'll get bored with this in a week. Maybe I'll still be posting this time next year. So let's just all relax and see what happens.

Deal?

Because there are few things more obnoxious than the BlackBerry wireless handheld

After receiving no fewer than 6 typo-ridden e-mails in one hour with the irritating "Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld" message scrolled across the bottom, I decided that it was time to create a similarly appropriate sign-off for those of us who don't spend all day on the golf course. What started out as a few snarky e-mails between coworkers quickly grew into a rather lengthy list that begged to be shared with the world. So here, friends, is the list compiled with the help of my droll partner-in-crime, Andy, and his ragtag group of very clever friends (who have proved themselves much wittier than my own friends--yeah, you know who you are, you unfunny bastards.)

*note: for those of you who have asked, I am still accepting submissions, but I can only take so many canadian/patent/RIM-job jokes. Seriously, I realize a lot of you guys are lawyers/law students, but to the rest of the world, patent infringement really isn't that funny.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because I don't need fancy electronic equipment to know that I'm better than you.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because I don't want Canadians reading my mail.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because my passenger pigeon's still on his last delivery.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because my Commodore was acting up.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because I'd rather doodle during meetings.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because I refuse to deal with you after 5:00 pm.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because it didn't take a lawsuit and nearly half a billion dollars for this to be okay.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because public blowjobs are still considered "lewd and indecent."

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because it’s easier to harass the interns when you’re actually in the office.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because my boss says I don’t have a face that clients find appealing.

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because if I spend one more weekend in The Hamptons I’m going to lose all sense of perspective.

or simply:

Sent from my Dell desktop -- because I don't have a BlackBerry.