The stillness

I haven't been able to stop thinking about my conversation with BFF Matt the other night. He was right about a lot of things. I don’t really know what I want to do yet. And the fear comes from the fact that I'm worried I'll make the wrong decision. I want time. I want time to just sit and think and really figure out what I want to do and where I want to live. Right now I feel like I’m caught in a trap. Everything continues to flow around me: decisions need to be made, bills need to be paid, and appointments need to be kept. But all I want to do is raise my arms up in the air and freeze everything. I want stillness. I want silence. I want time to think.

Several months ago I read an amazing book by Nicholson Baker called The Fermata. It’s the story of a man who has the power to slow the world down to the point where it’s almost frozen. In Italian, fermata means “the stillness.” In music, the word refers to the sustaining of a note, chord, or rest for longer than indicated. In the book, the man refers to those moments as “the fold” and uses his power to fulfill many of his sexual fantasies. I, however, would use it differently. I would use it to buy myself the time and space that I need to figure out what I want.

I guess that’s why going home is suddenly so appealing. It would be like stepping into the fold. I’d no longer have to worry about rent or going to work (at least not for a little while). There would be no broken fuses, no utility bills, no dishes to wash. I’d have a housekeeper (and actual one--I don't mean my mom) and free cable. I’d get to plan and make elaborate meals in my parents’ big, clean kitchen, and even better, I’d have someone to talk to while I ate. It would, of course, be a temporary thing. My nature would never allow me to loaf around for longer than a month or two. I’d get frustrated with living in the suburbs and not having access to the city. I’d miss having my own place, making my own rules, living my own life.

But the thought is tempting. This could allow me the opportunity to pursue my dream of being a full-time freelance writer. Or I could try to find editorial jobs with a magazine or literary agency. I know that I want to write, but that’s a scary thing to want. There are no guarantees and it’s a job that’s based almost entirely on my creativity and ability. I’ll either produce or I won’t. I’ll get rejected at least a couple dozen times before selling a story. And if I fail, I’ll have nobody to blame but myself.