I went to the Nats game last night with my friend and a colleague of his. It was kind of a quiet game, and struck me by how different it felt from the Mets home game I went to just a week ago. The already sparse crowd had thinned out quite a bit and the cheers were pretty weak. It seemed like the handful of Braves fans had significantly more enthusiasm than the hometown crowd. It felt a little bit sad…a little bit boring. I know it's unfair to judge a city by its interest in a young team's Monday night game, but the comparison was inevitable. At one point in the sixth inning, I finally turned to my friend and said, "You know, this could potentially be my very last Nats game." He nodded slowly, not taking his eyes off the field for a second. "Mine too," he said.
We're both leaving town soon. He's headed for an island on the other side of the world. I'm heading for an island a little bit closer (and with some of the best baseball fans in the world).
So this is my secret: I've decided to leave DC; I'm going back home.
There are a lot of reasons why and a lot of plans I want to share, but that's for a future post. For now I just want to share this:
The upcoming move has me thinking about firsts and lasts a lot lately. A first is always quick to strike you. It's new and exciting and so very obvious. A couple weeks ago I took a shower for the first time in my friend's apartment. He was standing at the mirror shaving and caught my eye when I passed behind him. He turned a little and gave me an odd smile.
"What?" I asked as I stood in his hallway, wet hair falling past my shoulders.
"Nothing," he said. "I just realized I've never seen you wet before…"
And even though he's one of the people around whom I feel most comfortable and unselfconscious, I remember suddenly feeling more naked and raw than I'd felt in a while. I rewrapped the towel around me and cracked a joke to deflect the attention. But it surprised me how no matter how long you've known someone or how much time you spend with him, the firsts will always have a way of jumping out at you like that. That first kiss that made you so nervous you lost your balance. The antsy excitement of a first day at work. The first time you hear a song you know will become a favorite...
But the lasts are different. The lasts rarely make themselves known. It usually isn't until long after the fact that you realize that what happened will never happen again. Last moments: kisses, dances, conversations, good-byes. They slip by unnoticed until it's too late to go back and remember.
So this time I'm determined to not let that happen. I want to live every moment of this. I know that at times it will be hard, but I really want to do it right. I'm not glossing over anything. I want to say a proper good-bye to the city that I've loved for the past five years. Because even though I'm leaving, I want to always carry it with me [carry it in my heart].
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Son. Of. A. Bitch.
I'm beyond jealous. I do hope you know that.
Gah.
That was a gorgeous post. I'm sad that DC will lose you, but happy that you are making the move. Congratulations!
Good luck with your move. Hope it works out for the best.
Oh, and the Nationals cheers were the waythey were because they're having a pretty bad season(plus they're still relatively new and playing in RFK). They're not playing for anything other than pride right now...They just need time and the right roster moves.
That was beautifully written. I know it's a hard process but I'm all smiles over here thinking about moving to New York together! :p
Well, damn. When's the big last day?
Boutros
I lived each moment to its fullest my last months in DC. The District is where I became who I am today and I wanted so badly to have the proper send off. Unfortunately, the incredibly perfect last month in DC left a sweet taste in my mouth that I just can't get rid of (perhaps due to the fact that my palate has only come across the salty and bitter in the time since ...).
I was so painfully aware of all of my lasts as they happened that I can't stop reliving them 2500 miles away... I celebrated every last 'final' moment of my life in the District. Hell, I remember actually sighing, "Wow, this is the antepenultimate time I will be on the Circulator." My last long walk to the Argentine gelato shop on Wisconsin was nostalgic, as was my last wine night at Clyde's. The final good-bye to Foggy Bottom, university yard, the tempieto, and a final glance at Lafayette Hall from a cab really hit home, but I was most distraught after my final predawn run around the Tidal Basin and up the stairs of the Lincoln. It was on that run, as I stretched my calves against the Washington Monument, that I realized that DC, the supposedly uptight, impersonal and transient federal city, was magnanimous enough to be both an empty symbol to millions and my hometown.
At first I had a difficult time understanding why you would leave and what could draw you away from a city in which we talked so many times about growing gray(er). Especially now that I live on the outskirts of a place that so perfectly symbolizes the collective ennui of non-Coastal America, I would do almost anything to regain my life there and can't understand that there is a place better suited for you (or me for that matter!). But, your move feels ever so right to me the more that I come to grips with the fact that my life in DC as I lived it is no longer there to be had. I still crave it and I think I know deep down that it has disappeared, but DC treated me well. It treated you well and I am heartbroken to imagine it without you.
Well, DC now holds that much less the luster.
Can't wait to say "Welcome Home" my dear (I also can't wait for you to start driving so that I can show you what REAL New Jersey living is like... in the sticks)!
Nope, nope, nope. This just won't do. I was intent on making you a blog buddy. sigh....
That was beautifully written, and I definitely admire your ability to just move.
Good luck!
We'll miss you but you know what is right for you and this sounds liek it is a great move. Good luck and that post was gorgeous. :-)
It is really insightful to hear both your and Matt’s feelings on leaving DC. I can identify the same tinges of bittersweet in my own feelings on DC. Over a year ago after graduation, I immediately acknowledged my desire to leave. It had been brewing for some years. Perhaps it was nothing more than an attempt to not repeat the post-university, coming-of-age trials of the brat pack in St. Elmo’s Fire. Alas, these proved unavoidable. I think they must be part of our development; our generation’s growing pains.
As I left DC, I remember that I did not say goodbye. I fully intended, and for the most part still intend, to return one day. One thing that I have come to grasp more firmly in the past year is that no matter where you live there will be positives and negatives. Washington’s negatives had come to overshadow the positives for me. I don’t care to specify these reasons, but they prevented me from enjoying the why I came to love it in the first place. I needed distance, time to realise what it was that drew me there in the first place.
Indeed, my perspective has provided some greater clarity although it remains altogether hazy. I fear that DC would suck me back into the traps from whence I have just escaped. However, does the DC I imagine even exist anymore? I am beginning to think that it doesn’t, which I suppose is ultimately a good thing. That is all I desired—to avoid the path that seemed to be rising in front of me, a life I did not want to lead.
In the process of evaluating my own feelings, I find your comments in a similar vein. Do you still feel the gravity of DC? Do you think you may one day return? Admittedly, this could all be a grand illusion of self-denial and escapism on my part, but I’d prefer to not view myself in this light, at least not for another decade or so and until I can afford therapy. I find myself thinking of Washington like a feast. I came to the table with a specific scheme in mind, and I ate my fill. Perhaps my overindulgence spurred my distaste, but my stomach was turned nonetheless. Once the meal ended, I excused myself politely but without hesitation. I simply want to allow time for the foods to once again appeal to me.
I know that I have said far too much here, so I hope it isn't overly obnoxious. I just felt impelled to write, so take it for what you will.
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