That guy with the hair and the nose on his face

I suffer from something I like to call “least recognizable movie” syndrome.

Invariably, when I forget the name of an actor, I’ll try to explain who he or she is by referencing his or her least recognizable acting project. I’ll say something like, “Oh you know, he was in that movie where he was a press agent and found the girl dead in his bathtub. Heroin overdose… You know, who I mean? He’s Italian… Did that other movie where he played Keanu Reeves’ dad…He was in the Merchant of Venice…” My friends will look at me kind of wild-eyed and confused, “Are you talking about Al Pacino?” “Yup…Pacino,” I’ll say and continue with my story. My friends just look at me and ask, “You couldn’t have said Scarface? The Godfather? Scent of a Woman?”

Evidently not.

Just this past weekend, for example, I was telling my friend how shocked I was to learn that Haley Joel Osment is not only old enough to drive, but that he’s apparently poor and drives a ’95 Saturn. But I couldn't recall his name. I did, however, remember that he played the “weird boy” in Secondhand Lions and that he was that “robot kid” in that “robot movie.” My friend doesn’t really discriminate when it comes to movies so after a moment of thinking he knew exactly who I was talking about, but he did point out that the line “I see dead people” would have communicated my point far more effectively.

I know this, but I just can't help myself. I’ll make odd references to a Shakespeare in the Park play I saw when I was 9 (“Remember? He was Mercutio…”) or an underwear ad (that’s how I recently described Matthew Perry—as “the guy from that Hanes commercial”). In a bookstore not too long ago, I described Robert Duvall (yet another Godfather alum) as “the guy that likes to dance tango and has an ‘al’ sound in his name…He played a televangelist once…” [I got the tango info from an Oprah interview he did about 10 years ago.] I'm generally a pretty strong communicator, but for some reason, when placed on the spot I’m completely incapable of remembering the names of the classics. All that come to my head are crappy Sunday afternoon movies like Bed of Roses or The Peacemaker.

I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that I can’t afford HBO…